


Santa Loki

by LolaRazor



Category: The Avengers
Genre: Clint has arrows on his boxers, Darcy is a pervert, Dunno where to put the disclaimer, FrostIron - Freeform, Fury probably has seizures, I couldn't wait to tag, I hope it's funny, I'm Sorry, Jane and PopTarts, Loki gives blowjobs not hugs, Loki tries for Tony, Loki/Tony - Freeform, M/M, Mean Avengers, Nat has guns on hers, Santa!Loki, Thor is a puppy, Tony Needs a Hug, crazy gifts, first fic, rookie at writing, wizard of oz referances
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-04-28
Packaged: 2018-03-19 11:32:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3608523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LolaRazor/pseuds/LolaRazor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki has to get along with Tony's friends if he wants to get in his pants. </p><p> </p><p>What he does? Give the puny mortals gifts. But not the usual nice package with bows gifts. Loki doesn't do bows. (Unless he's tying Tony up with one)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm in love with an alien

Tony was stressed. 

Not that wasn't a daily occurrence but since he got together with the super sexy , partially deranged , world's invader , mischief loving , green eyed demigod that he's been fantasizing for the past months, not even his most beloved scotch can't shoo the headaches that his friends' (are they even his friends?) lectures are causing (they're just worried but he hasn't gotten laid in a long time and that's unacceptable dammit) . 

 

He knows what Loki is and what's he done and he forgave him long ago ( even for the throwing him outta the window thing)

It's just that he finally feels like he's found his place. Loki makes him feel whole , like that piece that's been missing all his life found its way to the puzzle that's him. He can't comprehend what would be his life without his silvertongued lover now that he has him , he can't get enough of his touches and touch in return , he craves the long intense kisses that makes his whole body feel like its on hot coals , he adores how his body is practically worshipped when Lokes is pounding inside of him and touching every inch of his sweaty , flushed skin with slow and loving strokes like the world could be burning and he'd still touch him like he's the only one that matters , that thought makes his heart flutter and race uncontrollably and it's making him feel so good he can't think.  
There aren't many times when Tony's mind is blank but Loki can make that happen with just a few touches and he's loving every second of it , not thinking for a while its doing great for his overridden brain.  
The intense feeling of acceptance sent from that peaceful gaze Loki has whenever he's with him makes him want to barf because he hadn't been that happy with anyone else and his body isn't used to it , to think the simple thought that he puts the other at ease just by being there , he's giddy , Loki understands him and lets him in , shares his pain , his happiness , his sorrow , everything with him and even if you put duck tape over his mouth you could still see him smiling wide and beautiful over that. Nobody ever made him feel that way .  
Sure he thought Pepper was the love of his life but he soon discovered that's not the case , it wasn't sweet Pepper's fault but she never accepted who he was , always wanted to change him and he always felt like he let her down just by breathing because he's so imperfect and broken and she couldn't glue him back together , not that she didn't find the lost shattered pieces he thought he will never see again but she couldn't put then together. She will always have a big place in his bruised heart though. 

With Loki though , he can finally sit down and be relieved about how he turned out , Loki brushes all the worries away with a slow stroke on his throat when he's not sure about a project , with a kiss on the brow when he's tired of it all , with a strong arm around his waist when he's telling tales from his childhood, with an open mouthed kiss on the adam apple when he just wants to be devoured until is nothing left.  
He can make everything better and Tony is sometimes afraid that he'll lose him and never feel again the cocktail of emotions that Loki makes him feel but then his love comes and evaporates all his insecurities by treading his long pianist like fingers through his messy hair , tilting his head back and plunging his hot tongue in his mouth till he desperately needs air.  
He lies bare before Loki and he wouldn't have it any other way. 

 

Shit.

He's in love with Loki Laufeyson. 

Holy shit.

 

Oh well that's not surprising at all given the circumstances , now he gets to keep him. (He needed 4 hours of staring into space for it to sink in , 6 for the panic to stop and one week for him to accept it but he wouldn't tell anyone that)

Which brings out the problem at hand. The superhero group that don't even want to see Loki breathing their air and had successfully kept the two from any inappropriate acts in his own tower. (damned Clint making stupid noises from the air vent that scare the shit out of him , Natasha always interrupting them while sharpening her knives , Bruce hulking out duh , Steve pressing buttons randomly claiming that he doesn't know how to use the 21th century tech and Thor singing at their door love songs and making plans for double weddings.) Don't they realize he could throw them out or that Loki would snap and hang them from the Empire State Building? 

Double shit. 

So yeah he's exhausted from their childish and at the same time understandable behavior . His eyes are nearly crossed after how many eye rolls he's done when Clint never fails to come geared up with his bow and arrows even when he's in his underwear.  
He's starting to get jumpy whenever Nat is looking at him like she's shooting lasers out of her eyes (did SHIELD do something?!) 

He can no longer laugh it off when Hulk destroys all his vases and paintings and furniture and freaking everything . 

Steve is at least being stingy with his hostility even thought he would rather have that than the I'm-very-worried-bout-you look that gives him a churning feeling of guilt which should be 1000000% impossible because hello , he's a fucking asshole!

Darcy may be one of the pro him and Loki to the point of sending him new kinky positions they should totally try and send her the pictures . 

He told Jarvis to block all calls from Jane. He thought he was going nuts from all the yelling she got from her because "Thor won't stop asking me to make PopTart cake celebration every 5 minutes and I'm about to throw him out of the window!" 

"Brother I shall help you prepare the wedding!"

Pepper will surely sue him for the stress he puts her through, its not like it wasn't enough that he gave her white hairs by dumping the CEO tittle in her lap and making her put up with his over the edge/heart attack causing reckless /nuts that no asylum would ever take him in personality. Now she has to deal with his new black haired purchase and she can't kick this one out even if she tried. 

Rhodey isn't even answering his calls anymore ,even the "I'm dying, help." ones or "I think I sold my entire company while I was smashed." ones.

Don't. Even. Ask. About. Fury. 

So the fact that Tony is nearly collapsing with exhaustion and exasperation is making him desperate enough to tell Loki to solve the problem without killing/stabbing/hanging/mutilating/ making anyone mysteriously disappear/defenestrating (haha) coming too close with sharp objects or harming in general anybody(physical or mentally cough). 

Easier said than done.


	2. Do or Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony finally finds the balls to tell Loki about the mini-mega problem. 
> 
> He's hoping they won't be blue ever again .

Afternoon finds Loki reading a marvelously black leathered bound book when Tony choses to barge it like he owned the place. (He does but no one disturbs the god of mischief unless they want their anatomy remade out of sugar and bone powder) 

"Loki!" he exclaimed with wide purposeful eyes. It's now or never. He'll die or live. He'll have sex or have his dick cut off. 

 

Loki wasn't baffled as he was supposed to , he merely arched an eyebrow , "Yes, Anthony?"  
he had seen too many of his lover's mood swings to make a big deal out of it . The only moment he'd take Anthony's panic seriously it'd be if the mortal apocalypse came or his mortal's favorite alcoholic beverages had gone extinct. Odin forbid the letter. The headache that will cause him will surely bring Ragnarok.

Tony seethed a little. Damn Norse god not taking him seriously...even though nobody does it but still! He's not in a relationship with everybody! 

"Baby , you need to have a nice talk with my friends and reconcile the treaty." 

 

Loki frowned a bit and titled his head , " I already made myself clear that I won't cause any mayhem on earth." he shifted a little ,"I even, gave my word to Odin and Director Fury , which was not an easy task so why would I do it again , Anthony?"

 

The smexy little shit didn't even know he was talking about those stupid idiots that keep giving him blue balls.

"I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the rest of the kindergarten Avengers plus Pepper and Rhodey , they don't approve of us and are way too happy to keep us from fucking like rabbits and I can't take it anymore !" he acted like he didn't just threw a fit like some five year old . God don't let it be a five year old . 

The god's eyes lit up in confusion. "I thought those pathetic attempt that kept me from ravishing you were simply for an earth tradition. I've heard that it's frowned upon a couple to fornicate before the wedding." the green eyed god said with nonchalance and hidden frustration. It was beginning to irritate him how those mortals even dared to think they could stop whatever he had in mind for his love but he had no other choice but to stay calm and ignore the little earthlings . 

It wouldn't do any good for his and Tony's relationship if he peeled the mortals' meat of their bones and hanged them on the walls in the Stark tower like paintings.

And he had steel patience ( of course because of Thor you little meat bag ) he could wait centuries for Tony but his little mortal was irresistible indeed. 

Tony stood there gapping like a fish , he couldn't believe it! Loki thought he was a fucking virgin or something?! He? The Tony fucking Stark? His middle name was one night-stand for fuck's sake! 

....

Wait...

....

Was Loki telling him to marry him or something?!

....

Nah he probably heard wrong. 

( Denial. Denial.)

 

Tony brushed off the past sentences and tried to get his facts in the demigod's thick beautiful head. 

"First of all I ain't a little virgin chick." deep breaths Tony. " Second, they pretty much hate you and wont ever think about arranging a freaking wedding for us , beautiful." he spat but at the end he got that gross adoring look on his face , maybe he's not sure about the him not being a chick or at least acting like one . " Third , they want us to break up , say goodbye and probably lock you up in the most dark and secure prison ever.... Plus I don't look good in white , I don't know what were you thinking." 

At his mortal words , Loki got a contemplative look in his eye , hmm so this breakable little things thought he will just magically pack his potions and leave Tony here? Pathetic. Outrageous. Plainly never. 

And what was that about white? That is the most plain of all colors! 

Green would look so much better.

Finally after having a debate full of rage in his head that never showed on his face, Loki finally took a look at his nervous looking lover and spoke ( He looked arogant even when he was nervous , what a wonderful creature he had taken hold) . 

" I take it that your comrades don't approve us being together and are trying pathetically-" 

"Not pathetically you haven't fucked me in two weeks , my brain cells will be dead in a few days." 

"-To make us part ways, which is impossible , my heart so don't worry your pretty head. I will take care of them as soon as I finish this marvelously written book." 

Loki said now interested no more in the topic , he waved Tony to sit with him .  
Tony was exhausted goddammit.

He knew Loki was thinking about doing something not so pretty to the stupid idiots he calls teammates (occasionally mind you) and even if he would love to get rid of his trouble seeking tower mates he can't do the same with Pep and Rhodey .

Though he could let Loki make Fury stew , still not a good idea , he will have a person less to annoy and he needs his daily intake of annoying people beyond insanity level .

"Look sex on legs I will spell it for you." deep breath there Tony.

" You need to get along with the annoying earthlings I call friends."

Loki raised an eyebrow and promptly shook his head . " I won't bother myself with such non intellectuals , I care little of what they think us and if you don't stop spewing this odd ideas I will take you right away in front of them , with my cock inside you until you will forget the name bestowed upon you." He told his mortal seriously.

Tony shivered ohh that sounds good , really yummy hot and sweaty . But! He still has a mission and his stubborn skull wins the fight with his probably weeping cock. 

"Darling please? For me? Pepper is making me sad with only her glances and you can't do anything to her , and she has a not-getting-murdered passport. So you need to make room the rest of the peasants. " He blinked rapidly trying to make puppy dog eyes and convince Loki to let the dumbvengers alive or something. 

After glaring at Tony with spite , Loki finally gave in. He could at least try to get in the mortals' favor. Tony accepted his love and sacrificed his reputation (though he doesn't think he did that much of a damage) to be with him ,its the first time someone gave him a chance and he swore upon the Norms that be will treasure Tony with his entire being. 

( That didn't mean he will play nice though. Let the mischief begin.)

Loki nodded and raised his body from the couch and stalked towards Tony bringing him in his arms and kissing his pulse point. Tony shuddered and clinged to his god. 

" I will see what I can do love , I promise I won't do anything harmful ,will I be in your good graces then? " 

"Yesss sexy you do that."

Who would've thought that he , Tony freaking Stark will be the one with common sense in this relationship ? 

The sounds of their bodies tumbling on the full with fluffy pillows was echoing in the room along with soft exhales and breathless moans , clothes shredding and flesh slapping .

 

"Lokes , is that Darcy's book?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait to all who read this before , its just I have tons of things running through my head and its hard putting them in a written piece . I will strive to improve so thank you and please review!


	3. Blonde. Blue-eyed. Brain(less).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The most known stereotype is that blondes are dumb. 
> 
> Let's see how Jane copes when that theory is blown away. Albeit magically.

"Pop,"

"Pop?"

"Popopopopopopopopop-"

"Pop....."

"POPTARTS!"

"!"

"My beautiful Jane! This surprise pleases me greatly!"

"Thor?" 

"I knew of the fact that you loved me , my gracious Jane!"

"Thor?!"

" I must admit, I'd have never dreamed of you gracing me with a cake made from the marvelous pop tarts! My gratitude must show in jewels and love for eternity!" 

"Thor-! Let me go!" 

\-------------------------------------

 

On one Sunday late morning we find our best known opposites-attract couple in the kitchen.

Last night they had a romantic dinner because Jane wanted a few moments with her blonde haired deity , alone but in the company of a few glasses of red wine.  
She longed for his company more than she would like to admit and who can blame her? 

Her boyfriend is a demi-god who lives in another universe! She has all the rights to want him for herself at least for a few moments and she'd be damned if she won't make the best of time she has with him , research can wait a few days . 

( Don't worry , when Thor will leave again for some time there's coffee to keep her awake )

Thor couldn't do anything but concede with his lady's wishes , he promised that he'll give her all the realms if she wished for it so he would never turn down a nice night with his beloved.

Recently he's been given permission from the Allfather to have some free time away from Asgard because after all he still needs to learn what it means to be a king and not any king but one only deemed for an extraordinary reign , one to succeed Odin.

The Allfather knows that Thor become a better person on earth, he lost the arrogance and thirst for war that would have destroyed the kingdom.  
The foolishness that without a doubt will have destroyed the Asgard he much loved . So he agreed with his wife that Thor will benefit from some time on earth , to learn more and when the time came , to come back as a leader ready to defeat , protect , love and die for his kingdom and its people . 

After all he can learn from the human's many mistakes and rule Asgard with an impenetrable will. Of course this will have to wait for a while , he knows Thor is not ready to be responsible for the kingdom yet. 

Thor not knowing why his father let him on earth but trusting him and longing for his beautiful women, accepted, he went straight to Jane's apartment.  
After a perfect meal dotted with candles and a few drinks followed by sweet love making spiced up with a few complications ... ( "Jane ,how can I undo this?" "Thoooor," "This is the most difficult armor I've had to undo and it keeps me locked from your beautiful mounds!" "Thor! It's just a bra! " ) cough anyway Jane and her goldilocks find themselves in her kitchen staring at a beautiful gold with green and a few patches of red , two feet tall pop tart cake sitting idly by the coffee maker.

She can see the Loki's neat and beautiful handwriting on the note laying on the countertop and she's suddenly feeling very cold .

(It's not everyday that you see a big blonde guy jumping like a five year old girl who got her first Barbie doll)

*thump* 

The sound of the hit echoes in the kitchen and Thor stops his happy dancing and lets Jane down. 

"Thor , for the love of god...erm gods please stop this." She says with an exasperated puff of breath. 

Thor looks at her with his baby blue confused eyes , " But Jane I am beyond happy , how can I suppress it?" He's overjoyed and he must show Jane! 

Jane shakes her head in annoyance , her head hurts a little from all the alcohol she drank last night, after all she can't keep up with Thor's asgardian body . "Thor I didn't make that cake. Please stop jumping around , my head hurts. " she says with a slow roll of her eyes . 

Thor doesn't hear her , by the time she opened her mouth he already took a big chunk of the golden part of a cake and stuffed it in his mouth. 

"Hey! Thor-!" Jane tries to warn him that the cake has a light green glow surrounding it but to no avail. 

*Silence* 

Jane looks slightly curious because nothing happens , Thor is still munching on the colorful cake but he doesn't seem to disintegrate or turn into a frog or anything else!  
This is weird because the cake has Loki's mischief all over it . It should have done something by now but maybe the god of mischief has mellowed out on earth and if not surely he won't stop that low to kill Thor with a freaking cake .

(How foolish to think that. Loki never loses his touch .) 

He would have monsters and explosions and fire and and and all the stuff in the SF books that she hasn't read because...because she has enough problems with her research and doesn't have the time to read all of those nonsensical books, yes that's right. (It's not that after all the New York disaster she fears all the horror stories are true nope she's more logical that that.)

The human watches as the cake slowly disappears with a blank expression , she sighs and puts on a stubborn expression . "Thor! It's gone! Stop licking the floor!" she's happy that she took the time to clean the house or else she wouldn't go anywhere near his mouth ever again. 

Thor stops his actions and makes him blink a few times then his eyes turn slightly blank.

Black clouds seem to appear on the sky and you can hear the rumbling of thunder cracking outside . 

Jane doesn't miss this and it's on high alert instantly. "Thor? Are you alright? " her concerned brown eyes seem to make him turn his head in her direction. 

"It's gone Jane. " he says miserably while plopping on the cold kitchen floor .

His beloved smiles a little and crouches down in front of the big pouting god , "Now, you shouldn't have eaten all of it in one go , you'll get a stomach ache ." Thor pouts but rises from the floor and takes Jane up with him . 

"Regardless, this made me very happy , my love. I shall make any whim you desire reality , just name it."  
He smiles wide and it makes Jane weak in the knees , even if she knows she should tell him this surprise cake comes from his brother she can't help but think that this could benefit her research since Thor doesn't like it when she goes all researchy on him and she could benefit from Loki's sugary gift, she thinks he still owns the world for what he's done even if it wasn't totally his fault .

So this is his way of contributing to the world . 

She gets a mild glint in her eyes and opens her plump lips to speak, " If you want to thank me that much , do you think you can help me with my research?" She bates her eyelashes for good effect and waits for her lover's answer. 

Thor blank look returns but it's gone before Jane can notice it . He closes his eyes and nods firmly . "I shall help you with anything you want but let me change in something more appropriate for this . " he walks out of the kitchen and then flees the apartment while Jane stares baffled at his broad back as it disappears out the front door. 

"What the heck?" She shakes her head and thinks nothing of it , after all the asgardians are a bunch of crazy aliens . (Need I remind you that you're in a relationship with one ? You petty meat bag.)  
\-------------------------------------  
After one hour Jane has all the papers she needs to discuss with Thor on her table , plus pens , lots of pencils and multicolored markers. This is the recipe for success! 

She's in the middle of starting her computer when she hears the front door open . She stops and opens her mouth to call for the demi god when he enters and her mouth parts in shock at what she sees. 

Thor stands quietly by the door in a black business suit accompanied with a red silky looking tie . He stares at her boredly and takes a sit in front of her then he takes the first stack of papers and starts to read them . Jane is still in shock because of his new appearance but at least manages to say his name . "Thor-"

"Yes?" 

"What are you wearing?"

"A suit. Can't you comprehend that minuscule detail?"

"W-what? But why?"

He frowns at her . " We are going to work on making Midgard understand more of the nine realms ." he says seriously which is very foreign to Jane . He takes one of the documents and starts reading . He reads in what looked like seconds and returns Jane surprised grimace. 

"I don't see you wearing anything appropriate for such things, please do change and we can start working on your terrible done research , look at all the mistakes! I'm petrified , I have thought you humans at least have the capacity to understand such simple facts ! I am beyond horrified ! Everything on this parchment is wrong and undoubtedly idiotic . How are you living in such stupidity and ignorance ?" 

Jane can't help but stare at Thor in shock . "Hah..?" 

Thor frown deepens. "Well? What are you waiting for? Please change those rags you are calling clothes so we can start salvaging little things we can!" He nearly growls in impatience.

Jane forgets her shock and scrambles out of the room to change , her mind is blank and she can't believe what transpired in her office was real so she hopes that what happened was a dream while throwing out clothes in her search of a business suit.  
(Why a business suit anyway? This is not research in taxes!)

\-------------------------------------  
The moment Jane steps in her office clad in a dark red skirt nearly black that reaches her knees , a dark gray blouse tucked neatly in her plaid skirt and a pair of black pumps she thinks she had thirty heart attacks . 

Her office is full of papers glued to the walls in a language that she can't understand , all her blue papers full of hard work are forgotten on the wooden floor in the form of balls and some of them are ripped and thrown in the trash . Thor is in her plushy yet elegant seat grumbling to himself and cursing about the irrelevance of the calculus she's done.  
She thinks hysteria is taking over her body because she throws herself at Thor and takes the collar of his shirt in her hands . " What the hell have you done?!" she screams loudly with wild eyes , all her research is gone! And this idiotic thunder god is the cause of it! 

Thor looks at her fingers digging in the collar of his ironed shirt and he takes her hands off it. He leans back and stars at the Jane with narrowed eyes while she rages with white fury. 

" Must you shout? I have repaired everything you've done wrong so far. You should be ashamed , you call yourself an scientist but everything I have read done by your hand is little over mediocre ." he chases eye contact and starts scribbling down some equation .

"Take a seat and try to do the calculus I have given you , if you can't even do that start sorting the documents alphabetically." he says coldly while pointing at a a stack of papers on the corner of the table .  
Jane is silenced in horror. 

\-------------------------------------

"Yellow!" 

"Tony? Thank god!"

"Janey! What's up? You sound exhausted , Thor showed his great stamina last night didn't he? "

"Tony. This is life and death situation please give me Loki on the phone ."

"Lokes? Why? Did Thor get his hand stuck in the Nutella jar again? Oh! He got lemon juice in his eyes and now thinks he's blind again? "

"Just do it!"

"Jeeze alright alright, no need to break my eardrums , they're sensitive you know!"

"Baby! Jane needs to talk to you! Thor is in trouble again!"

"Anthony , please stop shouting I'm right beside you."

"I just wanted to make it look like in the movies! You don't have any humor , right Jarvis? "

"Sir , with all due respect , I refuse to answer."

"Loki scared you that bad with that lame prank ?" 

"Like I said sir , I refuse to answer."

"Hand me the phone Anthony."

"Alright, holy Moses , everyone is constipated around here."

"Loki?"

"Hello Lady Jane , what did my oaf of a brother do this time ?"

"He ate the cake that you send him, that's what!"

"And? Don't you like it? His mental capacity grew to new levels , isn't that what you asked for? " 

"No! I mean yes but not like this! I didn't want magic involved! He's destroyed all my research and he is doing his own , everything is a mess! All my hard work is gone! Please turn him back , I will never want to change him again , you made me realize how much I love his goofy self . "

"So I get this was a good present ? "

"It will be if you change him back."

"Just throw cold water over him and he will be back to his former idiotic self."

"That easy?"

"Yes."

"And he will be back to normal?"

"Precisely."

"Alright, thank you ."

"It's no problem. "

"Why cold water though?"

"Because my brother is too much of a wuss to even think about showering in cold water."

"And Loki?"

"Yes Lady Jane?"

"Next time you want to give me a present just send me a sturdier bed . Thor broke the other one . Again. "

"Dully noted." 

\-------------------------------------  
The next morning Jane finds her beautiful research laid neatly in the office and all the mess Thor's done gone . She doesn't think at all but jumps on an unexpected Thor and kisses the life out of him. She will hug Loki the next time she sees him....and tase him too. 

In the master bedroom Loki brushes Tony's hair while smirking with delight and viciousness. 

" Do I need to call my lawyers again , Reindeer Games?" 

"Not this time love, I am just making friends like you wrote on your six pages long contract."

"Mkay I'm freaking scared now."

2 gone , 6 more to go. Foolish humans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Please do not get offended by the summary , its purely for comedy and only aimed at Thor*
> 
> Yesterday was my birthday and I wanted to give you , my pretty little readers a new chap . I couldn't do so unfortunately so I wrote this one hastily , I'm sorry if its not really good but the next ones will be better I promise! 
> 
> Remember that this fic is a comic one , purely crack but will probably have some lemony goodness at the end , nothing more so don't expect any depth from it. 
> 
> Review all you want! Anything!

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own The avengers(I would probably sell it for Nutella and ice cream if I did) nor "I'm in love with an alien" song by KellyFamily nor future references. My first attempt at an fan fiction. I hope it wasn't that bad and sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes I've made. I have to make mistakes if I want to improve so sorry.  
> Please review, I would love to hear your thoughts on my first written piece even if its just a word , good or bad. Thank you for reading! :)


End file.
